2 years, 10 months ago-
When a woman ‘decides’ to give up her career or change her surname after marriage, is it really her ‘choice’, or is it just an expression of internalised patriarchy?
In our Indian culture, maximum of girls grow up knowing that whether she’ll become successful in her career or not, she has to be a perfect wife, a perfect daughter-in-law. Thus studying and growing on the path of success is a secondary choice, cooking and doing household works are essential not as a living necessity but as for being a perfect wife. And yes, of course it’s a patriarchal norm which is being preserved among us through generation to generation.
Yes, some can claim that nobody ever told women to do so, just like here nobody told them to give up on her dreams, nobody told her to change her surname, nobody told her to be someone else. And that’s where contradiction lies. Yes, most of the women choose it for themselves but have anybody ever asked her what if she didn’t choose that option? Actually have we ever given her some another choice?
No… When it comes about leave a dream and make time for children or household activities or for any other member of home, we never expect the male to do so. It’s duty of a female. Here we worship our mother, making a perfect portrait of female who serves eternal patriarchy. And so it’s always expected from a mother to sacrifice.
Everyone of us approximately knows how much it bothers after changing the surname. It’s sometime about identifying problem, sometimes with banks, pan card, voter card, or can be for other registration procedure. And in a huge democracy like India it’s obviously not so easy to rewrite all of them.
But still only a few female nowadays are able to keep her surname even after marriage. And if she does, our so-called literate society makes question about it continuously.
The thing is, yes, female themselves make the choice, but we have never given any other way for them to do so. If a woman ignores a little bit of her duty from being mother, or being a wife, to make herself happy, we never have a second thought and labelled the words like ‘selfish’, ‘ultra modern’, ‘not a good mother’ and many insulting remarks, forgetting how much worshipped she was and deserve to be. A not so perfect female, according to the judgement of our society which strongly upholds patriarchal norms, should never be worshipped -this is what we make our children learn. Then how can she evenly judge the options or choices for herself, knowing that one step other than social recognition and she is doomed.
So, basically it’s none other than an expression of internalised patriarchy, which must be shaken up to give female at least the choice, she deserves.No, women should never give up her career but after marriage most of the women has to give up on their career because of family and their children responsibilities. Some husband forcefully put their decision on their wife to give up on their career and take care of family and do all household work. Because of pressure women don’t follow their dreams. women’s are strong enough to do both the work and should their dreams. They can manage doing household work and go to office but the only thing is not getting support from the family and husband. But women should take stand for their dreams that they want to do job and have to follow their goals to be an independent and confident person and also she will support her family financial. Family should support her to follow her dreams and some husband if not motivating her atleast they should support her for convincing family members that should not give up on her career. Women sacrifices lot of things after marriage mainly she has leave her parents her surname gets change and Many more things get changed in women’s life after marriage. And we know that after marriage women surname gets change but we can see lot of women and celebrities who keep there surname after marriage also. In that also society has problem and they keep judging and talk about them and not only that media also highlight if any women celebrity will not change their surname. But women should ignore society thinking because they will never stop judging women. Women should strong enough to follow there dreams and ignore negative things of society women should take it as a challenge. If women is doing all the house work with job then family should support here because they do both the work and in that also if they don’t get support of the family they don’t feel motivated due to which they feel like to give up on their dreams. If men and women both are doing job then both should do take care of family and household work together not only that both should equal support and motivation from family.
Every woman dream to be successful , to be independent and live her life according to her wish . She always dream to become something, to achieve it position . But there are many situation when a woman decide to give up her career.
A women never willingly decide to give up her dream or change her surname ,but she is forced to do so . After marriage a woman is expected to concentrate on household chores . It is considered as a sin for a woman who decide to choose her dream the after marriage and leave her women and children at home . She is considered as selfish , ultra modern, not a good mother and many insulting remarks where posed on her . Woman is always taught that there is a second or third most priority of the first priority of a woman is always her , kitchen and her family . She should be idle women, idol wife, idol mother and idle daughter — all these remarks are considered as a reward for women, as a achievement for a woman. No one ask her what she want to do ? Those woman who can stand up for herself maybe can achieve her dream but women who are not that much confident, has to kill her dream and accept the harsh reality of our life .
Second condition is during the pregnancy stage of a woman. During pregnancy many women decide to quit her job, quit her career and some time take the maternity leave. But maternity leave is only allowed in the governments sector, those women who are working in the private sector has to leave her career and job for the sake of a upcoming child .
After marriage a woman is required to change her surname . There are many places where a woman is required to change her name also- after the marriage, the group family will give him a new name and this is considered as a ritual . This simply means a woman is need to forget her pre- marriage life and start a new journey. But why don’t man is asked to change his name or surname .
Women should also understand that if her father and her family has invested so much amount on her study .So, she should not give up and choose her career institute of her family love because when she is become something this family always price is her .I think an independent woman personally will never like to give up her career. when she has no choice constantly pressure put by family members to marriage, or some women have to give up they’re because of children, pregnancies, they lose motivation to continue and get very caught up in children with responsibilities. Women have to face toxic behavior from the husband’s family for doing the job and not giving enough time to home. All these things lead to giving up the career. Some husbands who are earning enough they ask their wife to leave the work by convincing I am there to fulfill your wishes you just have to look after the family because some women do not want to hamper their relations with the husband, the choices to give up their career. Women should not easily give up; she can explain that how a career is important to her family members, why she needs to be independent and their family will criticize for a while but after that slowly understand. Because is high time should stop some unwanted sacrifices and has full right to think about themselves. Your parents have educated you invested so much money, not for a reason to give it up easily. After having a child going back to work is not easy but there are also other options, and every woman should listen to herself not what other people say. If it is really getting difficult you can take a break to decide what to do. If your husband really loves you, he will never force you to give up on things that your wife wants. Personal health is also a reason for women to give up, that is acceptable that going out doing work making is not possible if she wants she can do work from home. Women should not feel sorry for making a career a priority.
Women and her definition are so many that a single word or sentence can’t define her, but the word ‘Sacrifice’ is so much related and matches to her personality, in the way women live, behaves, does something, etc. Sacrifices made by girls, women in her life are uncountable and that can’t be measured and paid off by anything or anyone.
Each woman wants to be proud in her personal and professional life but at some point, in life, they have to give up on her career and choose family. If we look at their personal life in terms of family, she is already a proud homemaker and manager of the family because those things are done by her cant be done by anyone so nicely. She is called home minister of the family because it’s an assumed tag and title for women after marriage.
But talking about the career front, she has to at some point give up because of her family or kids or in-laws, and then her career is not so much a priority and every other thing tops the list in her life. It is been observed that many women after marriages are told to leave their jobs and career and focus on family and try to become the best housewife or mother, but it’s not easy for her to do so, it’s not her choice to leave her career but it’s an untold truth that she does because of family and for a family. And if after marriage they are not told to give up, then it is assumed that she should give up when she becomes a mother, so every woman knows that in her life she has to give up her career and goals and be loyal towards the only family and be the best and do the best possible for the family.
After marriage, women need to change their surname, and so it’s a tradition that everyone follows and has to abide by, and slowly women feel like their existence is becoming less as an individual. But there are some who don’t change their surname or their husbands are supportive to them. So a woman has to give up her career not because she is willing to but its situations and surroundings and society that affects her and then she gives up…When a woman decides to give up her career or her surname after marriage, it could be a choice and vice versa. I believe that there is no multiple choice given, but the only choice that makes a difference. When a woman gets married, her entire life changes entirely. She has a new home, a new family, and things change accordingly. However, the idea of giving up her career is against the choice of motherhood or having a family. Most presented arguments are choosing either of the two but not creating an environment to balance both.
Though the world is changing, there is still a hitch of holding women back and keeping them caged like society mentions. Contrarily, families do believe in educating women, but the idea of them working in corporate, law firms, or other industries is still a dream. The funny part is in-laws or a man’s family expects a woman to be educated but not working because how would she balance everything. In the modern world, if a woman does not know how to cook, it is a shock to the world because society’s expectations are too high.
Sometimes, it could be an expression of internalized patriarchy, as mentioned above. But while the patriarchy stands, women have found a way to fight back. In the modern world, it has become a trend to keep one’s surname along with a husband’s name.
In the end, I’d say that it is a choice in today’s world to give up a career or not because now you have the power to use technology and innovation for earning money. For example, you may freelance in any field, you can do affiliate marketing, or you can search for passive income methods. Earlier, the opportunities were fewer, but today, things have changed for the better. So one can work and earn well, even when one is at home!
One of the biggest worries is the lack of women in higher positions anywhere. We find men thriving everywhere, walking around in their suits, encouraging each other even in times of crisis when business is bad but one does not find a women’s club in the power corridors. It is not hard to see that there are a few women who would also struggle to keep their seats on the table. The number is low, so it’s too low and I’ll tell you where we made a mistake and keep repeating it every day. We punish women for their biology. We punish women for marrying and having children because while a man marries and becomes a parent with her, it is down to the woman to balance her work and care for her children and her home. We stigmatize women at work or make them think it is the best way to help their families. And then we wonder why women quit jobs through marriage and motherhood when men don’t feel pressured to do so. Why should women choose between marriage, motherhood, and work while men are wrong?
If the study is to be believed, nearly 20 million Indian women resigned between 2004-05 and 2011-12. While 24 million men joined the workers between 2004-5 and 2009-10, the number of women working in it dropped by 21.7 million. Our practices of the Archaic society and the patriarchal society force women to stop working in India after marriage and to become mothers. Girls go through education and get a job, So why they have to forget all the years of hard work and money they have spent on it when they have to move to another city for support? Why can’t women’s education and jobs be shared? This is because women are often told that it is the right thing to do. But it is not, is it? It may have been accepted once but it should not be so now. No woman should give up her job or be a sponsor because it is the easiest way for everyone involved.
Why can’t men work reduced hours to help women keep their jobs on time and collectively ensure that their children, parents, and homes are cared for? Husbands should not travel abroad if their wives cannot work there. Let men donate their free time and devote many hours to unpaid housework to help women also have jobs. Will they do it? It’s probably the hardest way for the family because everyone has to sacrifice something. This is also the reason why more often than not it is the most preferred option. An easy option is to make the woman throw something away because she will already be used to it. Whether you know it or not, that’s what happens. I am not saying that all men make their wives give their jobs for power. Most women do it easily without protest and that’s what they should stop. Isn’t it time for women to learn to appreciate their value?We can have all the policies for gender equality. We can focus on putting girls in school and getting them jobs but it all fails when women quit their jobs after a certain point because the negative aspect of raising a family is thought to be the sole responsibility of women. Think about it. Choosing to keep your job in any position does not mean that you do not love your children or your family, it just means that all the years of hard work you put in, put in by your parents are important and important too. Shouldn’t women who quit jobs stop being a way of less opposition?
I would like to start with a question ‘who decides the expiry date of a woman?’ in most of the cases women are not allowed to follow her dream after marriage. This is either insisted by her own family members or by her husband and in-laws.
After marriage her husband ask her to take care of the family and to maintain the household chores. She is forced to give up her dreams. They do not understand that a woman is capable of maintaining both her career and her family. A woman is strong both physically and psychologically. When a woman refused to give up her career and choose career over family, many great people will her some great titles such as ‘selfish’, ‘not a perfect woman’ and many more.
Because of this, many women are taught from their childhood to give first priority to her family than her career. One third of the women choose their family over career without any compulsion. These women think that the titles like idle woman, idle mother, idle daughter as great acknowledgements for their work as a housewife, as a woman who give-up her dreams and who chose family over career. This will give satisfaction for that few women. But for others, it is a burden for them. They leave their dream because of the mental stress.
At last, I end up by saying that there is no specific time for a woman to give up her career. The decision must be her own decision. She has the ability to maintain the balance between work and life. There is no expiry date for a woman and know one has the right to decide her expiry date. Every woman should not give up her career, they should chase their dream until they are satisfied. There are many living role models, who gradually develop in the career as well as in maintain their family. Every woman should remember that there are no limits until and unless we decide.If we dig in Indian culture than it’s a patriarchal norm which is in action from ages. As far as women’s career is concerned nobody has ever bothered for their career once they get married. People only think that they need to be a good girl with excelling in every role they have to portray for a marriage. A perfect daughter-in-law, a perfect wife and perfect mother to play in marriage. I think that society puts women in a game to play everything perfect in the name of marriage.
Talking about the changing of a surname than it’s an unsaid agreement for women which has been drafted from years. Though some people ask the bride whether they want to retain their surname or change but in most cases its juts get changed without any permission. Nowadays people and some celebrities are making a new trend by adding their husbands surname to their name to show the affection and to make it official that they belong to new family now.
A career gives you a financial sustainability which is very important for girls before marriage and after marriage, it not only makes women independent and gives out a message that they don’t need anyone to survive and to make their bread and butter on their own.
Although we cannot actually say that how many women are being pressurized to quit career and to have another surname as some are doing willingly on their own. Because today’s women are much aware of their choices and the decision they want to make in their life. But still the illiteracy has caused women a high cost of being succumbed in boundaries.
Amidst of the surname she has her own identity, and she should make that visible up above the sky. She is her own boss and never let anyone decide about her career.
She belongs to herself for everything she wanted to get in life. MAKE THAT CLEAR LADIES.
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